“Don’t assume. It’s just going to make an ass out of u and me“.
Still, they assumed. And it did take an ass out of both of us. They assumed I have the same believe like they do. They assumed I worship the same thing they do. They assumed I celebrate the same religious event like they do. I have been wrongly assumed for more than 8 years now. It’s getting tiring and frustrating. The first time they assumed, I thought it was innocent. I replied shortly, did not want to make a scene.
7 more days to Christmas long ago, fellow coworkers trying to make a small talk:
“Sooo, any big plans for Christmas this year?”
“Nope. We don’t celebrate it.”
“Ooooh.”
Awkward silence.
A year later, same situation:
“Are you guys going to church X or church Y for the mass this week?”
“Neither. We don’t go to any churches.”
Blank stare.
“We’re agnostic/atheist family.”
“Ah. Alrighty then.”
Couple of years ago, when we just moved into our current house, we were invited to a progressive dinner held by some people who live around our block. Done with hors d’oeuvres and coctails, appetizer course, and first course, we came to the fourth house for the main course. Done showing the house (just like the other three hosts), we then settled in for dinner. What do you know, the host offered to Andy (do you think it’s the real name?) if he’s willing to say grace. I looked at my hubby next to me with the ‘WTF?’ look. Everybody started to hold hands. He shrugged and gave me the ‘Are you effin kidding me?‘ look. As Andy was saying the dear-our-father-in-heaven-and-jesus-bla-bla routine, I gave hubby the look of ‘I am walking away from this’. How dare they. Nobody bothered to ask, “Would anybody mind if we say grace?” Hubby quickly mouthed, “Stay. Calm down. Please.”
Months after that, we received an invitation in our mail from the same group of neighbor. Andy and his family is hosting a Kids’ Bible Study in the Backyard. They do have the nicest backyard ini our block; meticulously-mowed lawn with beautiful garden patio and kid’s play house. They even put up a sign ‘Kids Bible Study tonight at [adress here] at 6:30 pm’ on the streets and intersection, like a ‘garage sale’ sign or ‘house for sale’ sign. From our deck, we could see probably 20 people attended. Our kids asked, “Are they having a birthday party? Why weren’t we invited?” I explained to my little ones about what’s going on. I was stunned when my daughter asked, “Do we have to do the Bible thing if we just want to play at the play house?” Yes darling, just like a misionary; you may enjoy or have something they provide or give, but you should listen or follow what they offer.
Days after that event, neighbors asked why we weren’t there. Our answer of “We’re not Christians. We’re atheist” was the end of it. No more invitations, no more phone calls, or even a hand wave when we happened to be at the backyard and saw each other. What makes me sad the most, our kids were shunned from playing with theirs. Usually my kids were invited by a friendly “Hey guys, come over here and play with my play swing” when they’re at the backyard. No more of that. One boy was in the same classroom with my daughter and she had invited him three times (called and left a message, wrote a note and put it in his locker, and a verbal invitation) to come to our house for a playmate or watch a movie. Never happened. All of this was because they assumed, was wrong, and we elected not to join their ‘thing’?
Also just recently, a coworker asked “Cute sandals! Is that your church sandals?”
Why would she assume that? Is it because the color was white? Do church sandals look like these? I did not purchase them from churchsandals.com, but from Plaza Senayan, a mall in Indonesia.
Fourth of July parade. We were sitting next to a 60 something year old couple. The wife said, “Nice to meet you all. Which church do you go to?” Of course, hubby quickly said, “We’re atheist.” She looked at him like “Oh I feel sorry for you” and stopped being nice.
Did I mention the number of forwarded emails I got from coworkers about religious stuff? Holy shit, there were a lot! Hubby once shared with me about some lady in the other department who was offended by his email reply because he mentioned something like, “… God knows if the Board would agree to it…” She was so furious and wrote, “How dare you take God’s name in vain?” Sheesh, calm down already, lady!
But seriously, why do people assume that I have the same religious view like them? Is it because Christianity is the majority in the US? Or these people are just plain ignorant? “Don’t you assume in Indonesia that everybody is Muslims?” Mmm… NO. At least I didn’t. Five recognised religions in our country, which based on the 2000 census, approximately 86.1 % were Muslims, 5.5 % Protestant, 3 % are Catholic, 1.8 % Hindu, 3.4 % other or unspecified (source: here). Unless a person is wearing a religious clothing (jilbab or burka), I don’t assume that she’s a Muslim. I don’t go skipping merrily around and ask somebody to join me to go to the mosque. Is this because in Indonesia we are very straight forward on declaring our religion? In every kind of form or identification, you’ll be asked about your religion. ID card, new patient form, or even a memory book when we were little, there’s always that specific field to be filled: ‘religion’. Is this why we don’t assume [in Indonesia]? But United States, with its bombastic ‘freedom of believe and religion’, does it mean you’re free to assume?
Gah, it did bring an ass out of me. I’m bitching now.
You are not bitching. This is about a social nightmare. This is about self-satisfied religious totalitarianism. This is speaking your mind on behalf of a decent minority of non believers.
I had some solid prejudices about the Mid West, Bible Belt, hypocrite America already. Your story fits in perfectly.
I would advice: move east, young man (I mean woman). To the sane America of the East Coast, New York for instance. Or even east of the East Coast, pass the Atlantic and try Europe ( it’s getting more xenophobic by the day, but at least it’s predominantly friendly to non believers).
to be fair, here, people assume that just because im indonesian, i must be a muslim.
that’s what people do everywhere, assume and presume.
but it’s cruel the way they treat you after knowing you guys are atheists, that’s just not cool.
i guess, narrow minded people exist everywhere, even in super power countries!
be cool girl.. 🙂
I assume (LOL) this won’t happen in Europe since a lot of people are not religious, at least not like in the US
@colson: i have dual minority, being an asian and an agnostic. like it’s not hard enough to be an asian and making fun of when i said something that sounded ‘funny’ in their american ears. now this too.
i was told once (or read it somewhere?) that midwest is a bit prejudice when it comes to this matter. darn. ok, i guess the kids just have to say goodbye to their college fund, coz mama is moving to nyc! *just kidding*
@rima: i know! but do you think narrow mindedness is the reason? or is it ignorance? do you recall when you’re still back home in indonesia, we don’t assume people’s religion, right?
@eva: or in china!
When I entered uni in Oz, there was a girl from Indonesian Students Association (or something) who invited the new Indo students to a get together they were holding.
So we came. And it wasn’t a get together. It was a religious service, with a drama playing some parts of story from the Bible.
I was mighty pissed off with the whole lot of them for lying to us all. There were new students who were Muslims – truly, they must be apalled to be invited into something like that.
Since then, I avoided that girl and her entourage whenever they tried to talk to me, and the whole lot of them gave me a Medusa look for brushing them off.
Jeez. I felt so sorry for them. They were soo devoted, soo keen to convert people to be Christians, and yet they didn’t know what being Christians mean, which was spreading the love.
Not hatred.
You should move to NY or something, like Colson said. LOL. Before the KKK gets you!! LOLL
Those people think in boxes! I wonder, if you were a believer but don’t go to the same church as they do, would they try to convert you to their denomination?
Perhaps you are right about the situation in Indonesia, Indonesians are very open about the religion they belong to and don’t automatically assume.
I feel sorry for you to be in this situation, especially for your kids.
@therry: wow… talking ’bout awkward (the get together thing).
@yoyen: so, there is a good side about proclaiming one’s religion in indo. assumption could be avoided.
Interesting post D! I never had that experience of in the land of Oz where ‘Jedi’ was among the religion nominated by people in the last population Census.
Still, I did do some explaining once that I don’t know anyone who are members of Jemaah Islamiyah though. LOL.
I guess no one’s laughing when kids and their innocent play dates become victims of organised religions like that.
Stupid Americans! Oops sorry :)….
The big mistake of all is assume, and getting worse with ignorant and rude.
I feel sorry for your kids, they don’t deserve to be treated like that.
@katadia: ‘jedism’ is considered as one of the religion? cool… my 7 y.o. daughter would love to move there then.
@ecky: glad you see my point *wink*
Hi, I come from the writer’s blog list. I had former coworkers who assumed that I believe in God. When I told them that I don’t they were all shocked and looked at me as if I was an alien. When I informed them that I was a Buddhist, they had no clue what it was. They questioned me on why I don’t believe in higher power, I replied that if I believe in myself that’s enough.
It’s truly sad and pathetic to see people assume things without even researching on the subject. I think US is overly too religious especially in the South. I hope you’ll have better days than the ones you encountered in the future. Take care.
@bluefish: hi, eva’s friend 🙂 from all the beliefs, i could tolerate buddhist the most. not pushy nor too ‘dominatrix-y’. respect.
Hi, I came over from Jenzcorner. I’ve always thought that America is getting more religious recently but I never realized the extent of the bigotry. Like others, I feel sorry for your poor kids. But I assume that will only make them stronger :D.
@v: hi there. yes, unfortunately we live in the midwest, just like colson said, the bible belt of the u.s. thank you for your support, i do think my kids would grow up stronger. and more importantly, open minded and unignorant.
Ah, a question. I’ve always wondered; maybe it would make far less of a fuss if we were to say “not religious” or “not really religious” instead of “atheist”? 🙂
The term “atheist” begun as a derogatory and provoking word before being used neutrally in the academic spectrum, you know.
That might be it. But moreover it may be caused by the fact that in Indonesia, one’s religion is more “rigid” and “unchangeable”. One’s religion is highly tied with one’s respective ethnic and community, and people are ignorant of denominations save for the Catholic/Protestant dichotomy. The results being changing religions is an alien thing, and therefore became some sort of a taboo.
That’s why people tend to leave religious matter alone… I think. But of course, it doesn’t mean that they’re free at all, since, akin to the saying grace thing, children are forced to pray in schools anyway.
Unfortunately sometimes religion can be very demanding. Islam, for example, dictates all sorts of things from essential things like burial procedures, relatively trivial things like diet, to absolutely trivial things like with which foot should go first when you put on your slippers. Hence the “religion” field in, say, new patient form.
Particularly bothersome when you’re a closet heathen…
@geddoe: yeah, the word ‘atheist’ can be intimidating to some people sometimes. but ‘not too religious’ sounds too wishy-washy 😛 i also agree about the connection between religion and ethnicity. what you consider as ‘very demanding’ could be unlogical to others.
Hehe this is interesting. About your kids, have you tried this?
@gentole: they’re too little (7 and 5 1/2 years old), but i’ll keep that info in mind. and maybe, by the time they’re bigger and could make up their mind, perhaps they do want to be a believer or a follower of a certain religion/belief. who knows.
ouch… not fun. one should never ever assume about someone else’s religion/belief!
as for me, i am almost never asked about religion here in the US, not in nor out of university. of course, among academics, it’s the other way around, having a religion is a strange and rare thing.
In which part of midwest do you live in? It’s really bad what they’ve been doing to your family.